Sunday, July 13, 2008
My dearest,
I am so sorry for not giving you a listening ear when you needed one, I promise I'll listen to you next time ok? Well at times I feel so sad too.. but no one listen to me.. no one understand me.. I wish you would but you don't...
I feel very very sad that you went back into smoking. My world started tearing down when I found out you were smoking I did not know what to do... really.. lost...
haiz... I wanna grow up earn lots of money and enjoy life with you and my family!!!!!!1 That's all I want!
5:39 AM
well... its been long since I've pin my thoughts in here....
I really wonder.. why is this world full of jealousy and competition? Or maybe should I say why am I always filled with jealous and envy? Arghh I really can't help but to feel this way.
I always admire my friend's boyfriend. He's not very very good but at least able to satisfy the girl whom he is with. He earns over 2K at such a young age.. what more in the future? He gives her $600 every month of his savings... he brings her for occasional luxurious dinner.. this may be just money to happiness.. but he is not just giving her money but also his time, unconditional love and other things that money can't buy. He'll ask her on occasional nights... msging her " will you surprise me tonight?" or msg like " I wish that tomorrow when I open my eyes I can see you right beside me." Well for me... I am always the one, begging my boyfriend to stay over my place and we even quarrel over this issue. He'll say things like " why can't you just let me go home?" well I guess I'm just a meaningless figure to mean.. this is what I felt... I feel no sense of love...
Well today, my friend's bf won $400 from a casino and he gave her 200 bucks and asked her to buy whatever things she wants. I wish I just had a mere $10 bucks from him telling me to buy things that I want. I would be overjoyed with just this 10 bucks! Well I guess that wouldn't happen..... Arg.. I can't stand myself. I feel very evil, very sinful very useless for having such jealousy thoughts. Dear I know you'll be mad seeing this. I'm sorry I just can't help feeling this way..
Well I am longing to move out of my house which I'm am staying with my parents.. I feel there are lots of things that I'm restricted and I just which to live a life on my own. Not that I dislike my parents.. I love them a lot alot! But I just don't like staying under the same roof as them.
Well... my brother is getting engaged next year... and the following year, he'll be going oversea to stay.. he'll be bringing mum and dad along too! I'll be all alone.. I do not know when will I get married or should I say will I ever get married. Career for me is right ahead but not for my partner.. I want to get married and I feel so ashame as a girl, I am asking about marriage instead of the guy. Well from today onwards, I'll not mention about marriage anymore. In this post will be my last time mentioning about my dream of getting married. I'll just live day by day and let fate be the answer. I'm not sure of my future, who's my husband, what will my family and my life be like etc.. I'm growing old.. every day I'm just stressing myself over jealousy and envy.. I wish I could change my life.... haiz.. for now I'll just admire and say nothing.
Today, babysitting little rebekah.. I get to see the relationship of a young couple. Despite the birth of their new born, they are still so loving. I admire them for just one thing, their communication with one another. They have lots of things to share, joke about with each other. For 3 whole hours I'm there, I am so jealous of their laughters. They hug and cuddle, watching DVD when I'm just right infront of them. There's no barriers which can stop them from loving each other. The wife is like a Tai Tai.. the hubby does every household chores. All the wife does is order her hubby around and express her breast milk. Oh man I wish I had such life too! haiz... I'm so deprive of love, money, care, concern, assurance... I just want to have some just some....
sad
4:47 AM
